The Best Worst Joke I Ever Heard
I went to an open mic the day after the catastrophic Haiti earthquake years ago and watched a comic in a suit and tie go up onstage and say, “You know what Haiti’s problem is? They got too much hate. It’s even in their name! They should change their name to ‘LOVEti.’”
To this day, I’ll never forget the look on everyone in the room’s faces or the eerie silence that rolled in like fog in an atmospheric 1930’s horror film when they realized that there wasn’t any more to that joke. That was it. Beginning, no middle, and anti-climactic end. This dude dressed up like he was going to interview for the job he needed to land in order to get his kids back, just to tell a room full of amateur genital monologuists in the back of a Mexican restaurant... THAT.
It’s been more years than I care to remember since this happened. In that time, I’ve lost family members, entered and ended my first relationship, found lasting love, gotten engaged, and traveled the world from Hong Kong to London, yet I still recall this moment. That’s the true staying power of jokes. I don’t know if this man is still doing comedy. I’m not even sure if he’s still alive. But if he’s out there, and is somehow able to read this, I’d just like to tell him...
Don't You Just Hate Other People?
I’m so tired of people whose entire personality is how much they hate other people. Constantly announcing how easily annoyed they are and how stupid they think the bulk of the population is, insinuating that they are superior to them in some way.
The reason they are annoyed by other people is simple: because other people are fucking annoying. People are annoying because they’re ignorant, inconsiderate, and dumb. You know what? So am I. So are you. So is everyone who’s ever lived. It’s because we’re scared. We live on a wet rock circling a giant nuclear explosion in an infinite void, and we’re all going to die, and 100 years after we’re dead no one will remember us and our existence will amount to virtually nothing. And unlike animals, we have the unfortunate curse of knowing this. The very thing that we think makes us superior to every other creature on Earth – our self-awareness – allows us to progress, but also keeps us in a mental prison. We try to slap meaning on our lives, but we don’t have a lot of time, and it can all end in an instant, because we’re unbelievably fragile.
So, yeah, we do dumb things because of this fear, and it can be annoying. You know what would make it less annoying? If instead of making snarky remarks about how awful humanity is and how you can’t stand other people, try recognizing yourself in those you hate, and embrace instead of deface. Life is a lot less stressful when you have a little empathy and kindness, you stupid, knuckle-scraping, oxygen-gulping, hunch-shouldered hyenas.
Try loving everyone. They all deserve it… except Todd. He knows what he did.
How Do You Know?
The other night a crying drunk woman approached my girlfriend & me in an alley. We asked if she was okay, but she didn't answer. After taking a few moments to collect herself, she whimpered, "How do you know you love her?"
We asked if she needed assistance or if we needed to call someone, but she just kept repeating between sobs, "How do you know you love her?"
Not satisfied with our response, she stumbled away in anguish.
I guessed she must have just gone through a severe breakup & couldn't handle seeing a happy couple in that moment.
My girlfriend then said, "I figured... Is it wrong the whole time she was crying I kept thinking how funny & soul-crushing it would be if you proposed to me in front of her?"
That's how I know I love her.
I once deposited a check from a comedy club at my local bank, and the bank teller said, "Ooh, are you a comedian?" I said, "yeah," and he asked if I had any upcoming shows. I told him about one I had that night, and he actually showed up and brought a bunch of his coworkers. I then proceeded to bomb worse than I ever had before or since, and that's the story of why I started going to the Chase that was an extra 5 miles away.
Tip For Comedians
There is absolutely NO reason to be jealous of your peers. You should be happy for them. Every last one of us will eventually get the exact same opportunity, because in the end, this is a very fair industry.
So remember: Work hard, be nice, and in 75 years we'll all get to be dead.
Defunding Planned Parenthood
Ya know, even though Planned Parenthood provides healthcare to women in need and has saved countless lives, it DOES perform abortions. I mean, it's 3% of what they do. And even though absolutely no government funding is used for a single abortion, we oughtta defund them just in case. Throw the baby out with the bathwater, I say, but not literally, of course, because I care so deeply about babies I'm all for defunding Planned Parenthood.
But why stop there? I mean, a LOT of women are in favor of abortion. Who knows what might happen if it should ever come to a national vote? I think while we're at it, we should ban women from voting, to, ya know, protect those sweet, clumpy babies. Just in case.
But I'm only getting started! Should a woman in my ideal future get knocked up - especially through rape/incest - she may be a sore sport and decide to get an expensive and highly dangerous back alley abortion, which I think is highly preferable to the safe and legal ones currently provided by the despicable Planned Parenthood [spits on ground]. We need to make sure these women won't be able to afford abortions at all, which is why I say we should make it illegal for women to hold any sort of a job! That should help keep safe our precious, gooey, fetuses (feti? lol, I'm rubbish with plural nouns).
Allllllllllllthough... if women can't find someone else to perform an abortion for them, they might just try to do it themselves. We can't have that, now can we?! Which is why I say we make it illegal for women to have hands. Without a job, rights, or abortions, what will women do with all their free time? Idle hands are the devil's play things, and I don't feel comfortable with women having playthings (I know what you keep in that drawer). Dem hands gotta go! And don't think I haven't thought this through. After generations of having no hands, women will likely evolve (something I STRONGLY don't believe in) opposable thumbs on their feet. Best to be safe and just ban feet on women while we're at it. I oppose opposable female digits of any kind! You can wear a wedding ring on your necklace, Sweetie. Now stop crying, or it'll rust. Just think of all those saved, under-cooked, sexy goddamn babies!
Anyways, I think that solves that problem. Now to tackle the real danger to American citizens: Muslims. They're so despicable. I mean, have you SEEN how they treat their women?!?!?! Deplorable.
The show ‘Rugrats’ debuted on Nickelodeon 23 years ago! Feel old yet?
Well, humans have existed on Earth for about 200,000 years; Earth is 4,500,000,000 years old; and the universe is 13,800,000,000 years old
The entire span of human existence is completely inconsequential compared to Earth’s, and much less so when compared to the universe’s
Conclusion: You’re not old; you’re 30. Your age shouldn't depress you: the fact your existence is completely meaningless should. Now quit reading shitty clickbait lists and get back to work before you're dead and forgotten forever.
Happy Valentine's Day!
You're the amp to my guitar
You're the last bit of peanut butter in the jar
You're my favorite pair of socks
You're a wad of cash I made gambling on fighting cocks
You're a fresh container of Play-Doh
You're a dangerously large black dildo
This isn't an extended, romantic metaphor
I'm just listing things found on my bedroom floor
The penalty for littering while driving is up to a $1,000 fine and a year in jail for a first offense. The average penalty for a first offense for texting while driving is about a $100 fine, and maybe even a stern talking to.
A recent report has shown that up to 5,000 people die each year in the U.S. as a result of texting while driving. A recent unaccredited study I conducted in my vast free time has shown that discarding candy wrappers while driving causes up to 3 squirrels a year to develop diabetes.
Note to lawmakers: a teenager’s splattered pancreas is way more of an eyesore on the side of the road than a Styrofoam cup.
Native Americans' Revenge
The Native Americans taught the white man to grow corn. The white man took the Native Americans' land, and drove them nearly to extinction. Corn is now overgrown in this country, and high-fructose corn syrup is an ingredient in nearly everything as a result. High-fructose corn syrup is a large contributing factor to obesity, which leads to heart disease, diabetes, and a myriad of other health issues for the white man.
Delayed revenge. Well played, Native Americans... well played.
2012 Political Rant
Okay, so I told myself I would stay out of this, but I just can't hold back any longer. This will be my ONLY political rant this election season:
I know people really like him, and I understand the political and social significance of America's first black president, but I just don't think this was a job he was prepared for. I'm sorry to say, but this November I will not be voting for Morgan Freeman. The economy went to hell on his watch. I know some people blame it on his predecessor, and others blame it on the giant comet that nearly wiped out all of humanity; but I feel like 4 years was more than enough time for him to turn things around.
That's why I say we re-elect president Bill Pullman. When something from space threatens us, he's right up there in the sky with everyone else, fighting it off. Pullman 2012: Welcome to Earth.
Side note: Make sure to vote "PULLMAN," and not "PAXTON." It's a common mistake, and I hear Paxton is a Big Love Mormon or something. Who wants a Mormon president?